All the things that could go wrong
by MechaLynx
Summary: Kaidan thinks about their rocky relationhip as he waits for Shepard on their first official date.


You arrive early, because you really need a moment to gather your thoughts and figure out what you are going to say. Last time you let your mouth wander without your head in charge, Mars happened. In a way it was worse than Horizon; that could at least have been blamed on shock. Mars, on the other hand, once again accusing the person in charge of the mission of consorting with terrorists. Comparing her to a zombie did do any favors either, but, damn, if it didn't grate to see Shepard greet Liara far more warmly than the curt nod she gave you on the way to the hearing. Next thing you knew, you blurted out something spectacularly stupid and she reacted by calmly telling you that the two of you were in the past. That finally shut you up. Not for good, of course, there'd be time to argue further once you got what you came for, but then you didn't count on having your brain rearranged by a Cerberus bot.

It wasn't a complete mess though, she came to see you in the hospital soon after she was done with Palaven. She even brough a present. And for a few moments it was almost like three years ago, when she would walk up to you on the old Normandy and you would share parts of your past you never thought you'd tell anyone, because it was so damn easy and so damn right. Back in the hospital, you would have given anything to get her to talk to you, to look at you the same way again. You were almost relieved when she brought up Horizon, since you were afraid to say something stupid again and finally ruining whatever you two could have had, but it went better than expected. She came back again, congratulated you on becoming a Spectre. You didn't tell her, but that meant so much more than Udina heaving praises on you at the ceremony.

You try not to think about the next time you saw eachother, over the barrels of your guns. How you still kept pointinng your gun at her, long after she lowered hers, as if your "... wrong about you." speech at the hospital meant nothing. But you meant what you said, you were wrong about her, the Council was wrong about her. So you made the right decision, for the first time since sweeping her up in your arms on Horizon. You trusted her. You were not wrong this time.

Still it was touch and go for a moment when you met her up on the dock, when you asked he if she could pull that trigger if he hadn't backed down. She said a flat out no, but you know that in that moment she wondered if you would pull yours.

You sit down at your table with your back to the stairs, because you don't was to jump out of your chair every time someone enters and it isn't her. Instead you stare out across the water without really seeing, thinking of how you are going to convince her to start over, that you feel grateful, grateful, to Cerberus for bringing her back. That you never really moved on.

You don't hear her approach and only take notice when she pulls up a chair. She looks tired. You look away you launch into some inoffencive speech about you needing the time off and reminiscing about home, too nervous to look her in the eye. When you do look at her, she's smiling like she used to, with that attentive look that makes you want to tell her everything. So you do. You tell her that you lay awake at nights thinking about what they could have, that you love her, always have.

Your stomach drops as her smile falters and she looks away, looking sad and slightly uncomfortable. It feels like a punch in the gut when she says that the two of you should keep things professional. You cannot hide your disappointment, but still insist that she says for dinner. Both of you try to lighten the mood, but your hearts are not really in it. She has one drink and excuses herself. You can't help but turn around and look as she leaves. You see her turn around as someone calls her name. You see Liara walk up to her. She says something and Shepard smiles, more warmly than she smiled at you before. She touches Liara's arm just so and they both move on, walking just a little too close.

You stay at your table for hours. An Asari bartender comes up once to refill your drink, but you don't touch it. You try, but can't help to think about everything that went wrong, all the ways you could have done it right. You think about the last time you held her on Horizon. You wonder why you ever let go. 


End file.
